So this is what labor could be like?

So it is true, no one can be pregnant forever!

Charlie was born a day after his due date and I was so convinced he was going to arrive early. I even took off work early to prepare for his arrival. What another testament of patience and letting go of control!

The anticipation of going through labor was one of my biggest fears. My first labor was unmedicated (not on purpose, I didn't have a specific birth 'plan', it was how it unfolded) and I had a complete out of body experience that was very traumatic. My eyes were closed for the entirety of the 20 hour labor, pushed for 4 hours that left me with bloodshot eyes and full body pain that lasted for weeks. It is safe to say that I did not have that blissful euphoric experience of seeing my baby for the first time that everyone only talks about. Nor did I enjoy those first few days or weeks with my newborn. I was shook down to my core about what I just experienced.

It took me a long time to process the experience. I couldn't watch any shows or movies that shared a mom laboring. I would break down in tears. So to go through this again, phew, I was scared.

This second time I focused on the things I could control. I spoke to a therapist, watched labor exercise prep videos, hired my doula I had with my first birth. And I made sure my midwives knew that I was getting that epidural! Though deep down, I knew I couldn’t control the natural process of labor.

I had my midwife do a membrane sweep the day after my due date in hopes that it would kick off labor. I was determined to get this baby out! Sure enough, my contractions began mid day and by midnight they were so intense that I was immediately brought back to the pain and suffering of three and half years ago. I was terrified I would have this baby on my laundry room floor with no medication if we didn’t get to the hospital right away. Once we arrived at the hospital three minutes later (thankfully we live across the street!!) I was 9.5 cm dilated and having contractions every two minutes!

When my midwife appeared while the nurses were getting me all hooked up, I weepingly asked her if I missed the window to get an epidural. She said she would try to fast track the the anesthesiologist but she wasn't sure. I felt so defeated and tried to mentally prep myself that I could do this damn thing again. A minute later the anesthesiologist rolled in her cart with the good stuff. I was instantly relieved.

I was able to talk to my husband, to the midwives, to form a game plan together. I was able to see, to think clearly, to enjoy a nap and my listen to my curated playlist (I see you Iron & Wine and Sigur Rós!). Wow, this is what laboring could be like.

After a nap, it was go time. As I began to push I heard the heart rate monitor get slower. I looked into the worried eyes of the nurse as she glanced at the midwife. My midwife then calmly told me that Charlie's heart rate has lowered, and it can't be like this for too long. In other words, push this baby out! I thought to my self, oh hell no, this is happening now. I have never been so determined or motivated in my life. I gave it my all and he came barreling out. The delivery team all responded "whoaa, you weren't joking around!".

When Charlie came bursting into the world I was elated, awe struck, relieved, and actually happy. So this is what it could feel like. A completely different experience than my first. And how incredibly humbling.

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I started Papillon Collective to share the variety of experiences one can go through during pregnancy and postpartum in the hopes that it can resonate with others. To provide some validation to their own unique experience and feelings.

What was your laboring experience? If you've had multiples, how were they differ? The same? Share below!